Tuesday, July 10, 2007

The crash

She knows. I’m floating, dreaming, basking in the quiet. I forget that lawn mowers, power drills, kid’s riding three-wheelers up plywood ramps, are screaming into my quiet. I block them out. In my world, I hear the fat-bellied-bumble bee at the all-you-can-eat, slurping down the jasmine….the moth in her nightgown taking out the trash….the wind... talking sign language.... hands moving furiously through the trees…..

But, Georgia hears them.

From miles and miles away.

Hears them put on their suits and load their gear. Climb into the truck, Flip the switch.

And she bellows, the most pathetic heart wrenching howl.

She crouches on the deck and cries, neck stretched mannequin-tight to the sky, and belts out…..
The saddest opera.

And then I know.

It’s bad.

It’s not a ticket-taker chasing a 16 year old taking the car to the store for bread.

It’s bad.

My heart stops.
My child, it could be my child.

I crank my car everyday.
I never hear it turn over, lunge with life.
I hear the Rolling Stones.
Or Led.
Or Janis.
Or whoever will get me through the day.
But I can’t hear that,
The siren song.

I drive on…..

I crossed the bridge today. The very bridge I’ve dreamed about tearing down. Swimming under. Climbing over. The very bridge I pass everyday, music blasting, barely rolling. Parked in the early morning traffic, I was at the top of the ferris wheel and could see it all. The end of the world.

Thank God, the music was blaring…..
Or I might have bellowed….
Neck stretched mannequin-tight to the sky……

and howled...

Pray, people, pray….

36 comments:

eric313 said...

We hear our own soundtrack when that's what we want. Led for the head, Jimi and Janice or Korn or old Metallica. It's like Led Zeppelin's Houses of the Holly,

"Let the music be your master"

We listen and sing along like ancient people used to sing and pray every day, to their favorite god, to the favorite idea. The song and prayer were one, and they still are today. It's just a great, spiritual thing.

Let's sing a song of Eden, while flying out the gates of Hell.

With Satan's daughter and his flaming orange convertable, you still won't get into heaven. But that's not the destination. Nowhere is. You crank the volume to infinity and listen to each note growl or thunder from the back. She looks over, leans in close, sinking...

Too late you remember who she is, what she wants from you. But that's OK. You weren't doing too much with your soul. It's just a decoration, a charm on a string. She drops lower, this lady born of the father of lies. You pray that she doesn't bite, or at least, not very hard.

drips of paint said...

Your "accidental wave..." I like and I can follow the words easily.

This post "crash" I am having difficulties. so I'll be back to read comments that will hlep me to make sense....I should be more imaginative after I hang around at your blog enough..I hope!

eric313 said...

Your work is amazing. This one really transmits the chaos of everyday life and makes it surround you like bad traffic. You are so very good at what you do, it inspires me. I know, I say that all the time.

But this one is dense and busy. It's really good.

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Scarey - something dark slithers in the water. I think we all panic sometimes at the direction our planet is taking..

Orhan Kahn said...

I glad we were both given the chance to crash into one another.

singleton said...

eric.....I was heavy last night .... all day actually. I did scooch over to read Flying by Numbers and you know I love it, first version, second even more..... You, my man, are an incredible force, your words rock, an ocean of their own. I stayed quiet last night,though.
Time to just reflect.....

drips.... I saw something horrible yesterday, and from my place on the highway, I knew that the mushroom of smoke,rising like something out of a history book, was a terrible terrible omen of something gone very very wrong. I sometimes forget that other's can't see the pictures my eyes have taken..... Hope this explains it just a little better.... Thank you for hanging in there....

singleton said...

shrink.... yes, ma'am. It is frightening sometimes. SLB had written a post on Doomsday, and for a moment yesterday, in traffic, I watched it unfold....

orhan.....an accidental wave! And Orhan, so am I...:)

peace, love, and live life, my friends......

karma lennon said...

Scary the things you can see that others might not that make us remember for a moment the state of the planet.

mindy said...

i'm sorry you saw that. i had a similiar dream, it was scary. today, however, is a new day, full of magic.

Beerspitnight said...

Siren Song

This is the one song everyone
would like to learn: the song
that is irresistible:

the song that forces men
to leap overboard in squadrons
even though they see beached skulls

the song nobody knows
because anyone who had heard it
is dead, and the others can’t remember.
Shall I tell you the secret
and if I do, will you get me
out of this bird suit?
I don’t enjoy it here
squatting on this island
looking picturesque and mythical
with these two feathery maniacs,
I don’t enjoy singing
this trio, fatal and valuable.

I will tell the secret to you,
to you, only to you.
Come closer. This song

is a cry for help: Help me!
Only you, only you can,
you are unique

at last. Alas
it is a boring song
but it works every time.

Margaret Atwood

eric313 said...

Love the Atwood poem, it has always been a favorite of mine. I would love to write like her.

But I'm perfectly happy writing like myself. I do try to stay open to every new idea that might help me, even a little. Thank you for your praise, Singleton. You are an incredible talent that I brag to my friends about, even.

Last night was heavy and the gravity pulled you down

but today, the safety strap is nolonger binding you

You are asleep, but flying. You may wake up on the moon at noon

but the ocean is just a trip away
a flight by the numbers

and a starfish, sanddollar, half shell rainbow

greet you where you left them sitting with dour gravity

You will teach them to fly like you helped me to do.

Soon, nothing will listen to petty little gravity's voice

Soon, your words, your colors and your peace will paint us all

in your favorite ocean blue. Gravity is an old blown tire

on the side of the road

lets make a swing with it's corpse

eric313 said...

Hope the best for your day, my friend. Talk to me anytime, and I'll try to be around. Gravity is heavy for me, too, at the moment. But it's not bad; at least I have peace to keep me warm and high.
clink!
tink!

justacoolcat said...

Powerful stuff. Thankfully, not all dreams are meant to come true.

singleton said...

karma....it is so scary. Like watching all of hell break loose....

sweet mindy....I wish so badly this had been a dream, a nightmare, and not what I feared it was....reality...just reminds me yet again how very very precious every moment, every word, ever love is in this short short life we live...

beerspit...."the song nobody knows
because anyone who had heard it
is dead, and the others can’t remember"......Isn't that what they say about Woodstock? "Anybody that claims they were there is lying....cause those that really were are either dead or can't remember"......

Peace, love and live it friends

singleton said...

Eric....
"Gravity is an old blown tire
on the side of the road
lets make a swing with it's corpse "
You rock, my friend!
Clink! And clink again!

justacoolcat.....You're absolutely right about dreams, thankfully. And then again, there are those etheral really really good dreams you just wish would go on and on and on...

savannah said...

wow *hugs* cos that's the best i can do right now, sugar

kj said...

i've read this a few times. such emotion.

:)

drips of paint said...

thanks for giving me a bit of what you saw...I am more intune with my breathing right now...grateful that I am here

thanks for sharing!

eric313 said...

It's four twenty. I hope my favorite hippie is high as the wind

singleton said...

savannah...thank you, sweetie....

kj....i probably should have waited until I was less emotional to let this fly, but I couldn't. thanks for understanding.

drips.. anytime! :)

eric...LOL! If I was, it was all in a dream!

skinnylittleblonde said...

Tink!

benjibopper said...

the sweet and horrifying rhythms of life, so well re-enacted here. loved this one.

vicci said...

You are such an amazing writer my friend......and so much more....love you!

SpongyBones said...

You and your sister make me think EACH AND EVERY TIME I read your post! I'm so glad there are soundtracks that block the sirens and make us forget that they are there ... even if only for a little while.

singleton said...

slb...clinkety, tink atcha baby!

benji....like drowning in deja vue over and over again! peace to you

vicci....and you, my dear, are sunshine! Every time!

spong....this is so damn weird! I wrote another post...."soundtrack" and didn't let it fly, then eric brought up soundtracks and now you ....are we on a wave? Yeah, baby!

Katherine Mercurio Gotthardt said...

S. this is just lovely imagery....fresh and lively....wow.

"fat-bellied-bumble bee at the all-you-can-eat, slurping down the jasmine….the moth in her nightgown taking out the trash….the wind... talking sign language.... hands moving furiously through the trees….."

singleton said...

katherine....and that's just exactly the way it was.....I can't think of another way to describe it.....I so hope you saw what I did then....
but not the crash......
I wish that was a dream, just fancy words and nightmares...

just me said...

When you see things you don't want to see, sometimes you feel just like that, howling at the moon, or howling, from the most primal depths of your being. Maybe we should sometimes.

she said...

sirens

singtome of help and hope
in the aftermath of crisis

and every song
reaches 'round to hug the pain of silence

singleton said...

just me...yes, that is exactly what it felt like....from the primal depths.....and maybe we should......

she...."singtome of help and hope" yes, .....but when it's too late, it's just another heartwrenching sound......

peace and love girls

eric313 said...

everythig cool with you sing?
clink
how was the day?

eric313 said...

so...
when you gonna relaese "soundtracks"?

You know, the 'other post' you were talking to spongy about above.

Let's see it!

Gotta roll, I just posted something that was inspired by what I write on this page. It's dark and none too peacfull, but it's a great work of fiction, nonetheless,

Peace and Love 2U3 ladies.

singleton said...

eric...I'm so glad it's fiction, because I've been there, peeking from behind the wall, and I'm shivering, spooky
up and down
all over
and by now
I know you
well enough
to know
fiction bleeds to fantasy
and truth
and
I can only say
ohhhhhhh....
and wait
for the
next tidal wave
of words

and the soundtrack
is scratchy
and always
playing
in the background
and I'm
trying so very hard
to drown it out
with
the everyday racket
that just hums
de drums
annoying
the hell out of me....

peace~love

eric313 said...

I'm sorry to strike such a nerve, friend.

I've felt the same way before. And I know what terrible desperation feels like--not to mention that I knew a girl from high school who had a breakdown much like that, where the only way she thought she could escape was to jump from her bedroom window--she didn't kill anyone, though. But her boyfriend and everything else in her life made her feel that way, that she was trapped and had to do something drastic to change things.

Her name was Sara. She's alive, but away, and I haven't seen her in years, let alone talked to her--when I did, she never would talk about it, except to say she didn't try to commit suicide, which is what her doctors said she tried to do. But I believe she was trying to escape, period. And the poem, I expressed this as a powerful internal urge to fly.

I was shaky and close to tears for a lot of it.

It was sad to think about it. Can't explain how it turned into what it did, but it did.

It's just how I walk in other's shoes and write what I think they feel. And I know the feelings involved--heck, I fight the good fight against dispair almost every day. You've helped me, and by the Good Lord, I'll help you with letters and words and smiles and silent heartfelt prayers exhaled between shaking lips.

A lot of people struggle, I know this deeply. And you probably do, too, you've learned to float and be above the petty garbage and negative undertow.

I'm sorry to take something pretty like that poem I wrote up there and make a crazy u turn into the deadliest traffic imaginable.

But it was the words of the moment, so I needed to get them out. Like I said, I sometimes feel that way, too. Things are a million times better than they were at home, but suddenly, you're one of my only friends, and a great one, at that. The rest of them a hundred fifty miles away. But in the mean time, I have lots and lots of time by myself and these feelings of hopelessness nag at me. I had to get them out--I don't want to write whiney, depressed letters about being lonely, or about my childhood, or anything else.

But this way was visceral and felt so very real, I had to keep going with it, it felt important to say. I never want to be where the lady in this poem is...

And I din't mean to shake you so.

Be cool, my lady Singleton.

You know
that I know
that you know...

I just know it!

eric313 said...

That's one of my favorite John Lee Hooker songs, by the way...

"you know
that I know
that you know
we're gonna get together"

He's banging on that guitar
singing about a circle
about completing the circle

Wish I had that CD with me. Left it at home in the D.

I'll put on some Led and wish you a good night, my sweetest friend...
Peace and Love
I'll meet you there...
Clink!

singleton said...

eric...I can't remember that song, but I'm gonna go dig it up, sounds too close to home, not to! And thank you so much for explaining where you were coming from, going, thinking, remembering, feeling....
When things get murky muddy deep, it scares me....
the line between floating and being too tired
to stop the
drowning
is sometimes so thin....

And clink!
to being friends
penpals
the newest garage band
Sweet diversion
for us all

Thank you!