Untitled

This is the list, the pros and cons, the
love and hates....I want to write it
down so that I remember
to not
forget....

I hate that you took me to visit your
hell and wallow there and I shared it with you,
open armed,
hugged you tight
held you up by the collar...
And you never ever asked
where i had come from...

I hate that you made me hate her,
before I would have,
And you made her hate me,
before she would have
And that you mistakenly thought
a cat fight
was affection for you

I hate that you preached and suffered
and rambled on and on about how you
made vows and wanted to keep them
and you never ever
acknowledged
they were already
long ago
destroyed
And pretending they were anything less
is a mockery
of what they were meant
to be.

I hate that you threatened me with
mainpulative words
"if you walk out that door,
don't ever come back"
when I was just squemish and
scared
and by the way, right.

I hate that we held hands and rescued each other,
running barefoot to the wet edge of the earth
scavengers
hunting for treasures
and there in the seaweed,
tangled on the shore...
you just dug up more trash

i loved your smile...when you
really smiled...when you weren't
learning HOW to smile again.
Before you painted it there.
Pasted it there,
Showed your teeth.

I loved your blue eyes
before you lied
to yourself, to me, to
your make-beleive world

I loved your skin.
Because I could.
BecauseI wanted to.

I loved your raspy, too many cigarettes,
voice...soft on my neck....
Singing sweet serenades in the
kitchen, the car, the driveway

And I hated the way you played DJ and threw in the
other songs to see if I noticed...
to see if I could smell it, see it,
hear it, feel it when it crept in.

You're not so f_ _ _ _ n french