Monday, March 10, 2008

And we all fall down.....

It was late. Skinny and I had been on the phone for hours. Literally. It's the way we bridge the miles. Reach out and touch each other. I piled into bed, four beers and probably eight brainstorms later, and crunched under the covers, heavy and smelling like rain....line dried and fresh. I stretched. Ran the Friday numbers by. How to make payroll. What to pick up at Winn Dixie on my home. How much catfood is behind the bar.... And I listened. One child out for the night....celebrating at Kobe's....

Drifting, just barely, slightly....I heard her key. Her high~heeled feet ballet stepping down the hall. Water running. I even heard her comforter being thrown back, her body flopping down, comfy cozy....into slumberland. I fell asleep immediately, whisk into that maternal peace that rocks a Mama....

"Safe", she's home safe and sound.

Georgia flew. Her claws digging into the orange quilt, needle banging my shins on her way out....unearthly growl growing as she took flight. The banging. The incessecent banging on my doorbelless door. She howled, barked, danced in a dark circle, and I spun in the same circle, grabbing joe boxers, freaking.....at that sound....strangers at the door.....in the middle of the damn night....

The front door rattled, bumped, slammed....."Oh, God, we're being raided"....and I flew out the kitchen door....where we meet friends, family, stray dogs.....as an army of one, ready.....and then I saw them....fraidy cats in headlights.....crumpled, coming, moving, falling into me with words, stories, frantic noise.... that suddenly sounded like coins dropped underwater.....and reaching, I couldn't catch them,worthless tokens falling heavy and distorted, gobbled up by the bottomless sand.....but I could see them, Jonah's roomate, his girlfriend....their faces.....

My youngest child had overdosed.

911 had been called.

He was barely breathing.

His blood pressure was nothing.

His heart was exploding.

When I touched him, he rolled his eyes. When I held his hand, nothing. When I said "I love you son".....I dreamed he answered me. When they told me "There is nothing else we can do" they went about their business and I prayed......

JSYK, in our world, if they breathe again and they're over 18, there is nothing you can do but pray......

I prayed hard......

30 comments:

kj said...

oh jesus, singleton. i am praying hard too. this is one time when i want you to tell me the end of the story is clear and hopeful..

i want to say 'if there's anything i can do...'

Maithri said...

I love you

SEAN RECKLESS said...

Mad stuff- can't get my head around it, never can. What do you do? Life tears you up and if you're lucky puts you back togrther again, but with always that one piece missing which makes it never the same again.

WILSONART said...

My heart just stopped, I know it did,,,,,,,,
A "Mother's Worst Nightmare" story.

I'm very hopeful that this is from the past, and that there is an upward turning of events, with a good ending.
SOON!

I feel the strength of the answers to your prayers,,,,,and just in case,,,and JSYK,,,,I'm praying too.

Princess Pointful said...

Oh, Singleton.
I gasped halfway through this breath, and held my breath all the way through.
I hope with all my might there is a happy ending.

i beati said...

my heart has stopped....

Sandy Kessler said...

please let this be a dream sequence worry message.....

singleton said...

Sweet KJ.....I threw this up last night in wreckless exhaustion. Or a desperate need to just spit it out. And yes, they saved him,on the table, chased the monster from his viens.....but it's a rabid beast...And I pray for the happy ending, years from now, when this is a memory we look back on and strangely cherish.....I pray this is the turning point.....the saving grace. And I'm praying hard.....

Maithri....
And your words have been light. Thank you for knowing. Waiting. Listening. Unconditionally.

reckless....We pray. We wait. We pull the circle in tighter. We learn. We love harder. Tougher. And pray again...

Babs....Thank you. He needs the prayer of strength. He has to be the dragon-slayer to be free. To live. I wish so desperately I could bottle up "hope" and place it in his hands, "believe" and make him understand.....Praying for healing, inside and out....

Princess.....I've been holding my breath,too.....And for now, the happy ending is a second chance....and the promise of tomorrow....

Ibeati....I know. Mine did too.

Peace~love my friends.
I posted this late last night and on wakening this morning, meant to snatch it back down, but you were all here already, the circle, holding hands.....And I thank you. More than I can say....

SpongyBones said...

Swords ready to join you all in the fight!

Sandy Kessler said...

I hope that it is the big Message that gets through . We guide we pray but sometimes the big message fianlly hits that is my new prayer when did this happen??

justacoolcat said...

I'm freaking out. I've had friends fight the beast and win and that's the ray of hope I send.

No said...

I have no words to say...plese keep us updated...

singleton said...

spongy...I know, knew, I could count on you....Just pray, brother, the road home is a long one.....

Sandy....As the days go on, I believe, pray, hope, that "bottom" is the way up, the bridge we haven't yet taken....Thursday....forever scorched in my heart....

suchacoolcat....And me,too. I didn't hippie out late in life, started early....and along the way, we buried a few, and some....well, I've posted before, are still around, but not the same....This is my baby....my beautiful blue eyed miracle.....Your hope is a gift....And I desperately want to see it unfold....Thank you....

No....We have survived this, the moment, the cold blue toes peeking out from starched white sheets, the monitor, dipping, diving, crashing, the lips swelling, teeth clenching, tongue bleeding....hopefully, Dear God, we have survived the "been there and done that".....and this nightmare that I never want to live through again, will become the nightmare I fall onto my knees and thank God for.....the change.....the beginning of healing.....

Peace~love my friends
I thank you so much for being here, for understanding that love is unconditional and
peace is a gift we should treasure.......
and that "it doesn't matter whose child"....or why....

skinnylittleblonde said...

JSYK...ILYSVM&CWTSY...SS...PALS

singleton said...

Meet you at the Tiki Bar sister, and if we're blessed,
we'll again dance with the
Brotherhoods of Death,
a circle.....
their tattooed backs and opened arms,
a history we don't have to share,
but understand,
and embrace as if it were our own..

And if we're lucky,
we'll dune slide
with a child soul,
naive and free,
and ready to take chances.....

And if we're lucky,
we'll slurp periwinkle soup because we ran out of money and still have a collander,
we'll sing Beatle songs and Gun~n~roses until the neighbors bang pots and pans and finally give up and join us,
we'll scrunch
our toes in the sand,
and collect every shell we crunch on the way,
we'll wear band~aid tattoos and make shift sarongs....
And if we're lucky,
we'll find peace
in a bloody mary at the seawall,
the bottom of a plastic bucket
crawling with sandcrabs and trinkets we've yet to sift through,
strangers that are suddenly our new best friends,
in the sisterhood....
A glee club of
"see me,
touch me,
feel me"......

CW2SYSL.....ILYSVVM and need you....

Gillian said...

Singleton
How awful, I am hoping and praying for your son. What a dreadful thing to awake to.
As a mother, I can see how this would be a total nightmare.
What a hard thing it is, to give birth and then let go of them to have their own journey...so much we can't control anymore. This truly helps define "love" as all the contrasts come crashing down in a single moment in time, the thread that connects you to him suddenly pulled tighter and tighter...
Keep praying. All the praying helps.
xo
Gillian

kj said...

i am thinking of you, have been for the past few days. i'm sending healing thoughts straight to you. keep a look out for them, ok?

xo

bella said...

New here, having found you through Maithri.
And now I am. . .here. . .stunned by these words, holding this space, offering prayers, and that strange kind of love that comes from strangers, people you've never met and do not know but still reach out to say, "I see you. You are not alone. Courage to you."

The Electric Orchid Hunter said...

The scariest knocks on your door always come at the darkest hour of night. I'm so very sorry, but hope this is the beginning of an upswing in circumstances. It has to be.

WILSONART said...

stopping by this evening,,just to let you know you're on my mind.
And heart.

Shimmerrings said...

Sweet and loving Sing, I send my prayers and if you can imagine, feel my arms around you, holding you close and giving you a great big hug! I know that desparate feeling a mother has for her child's well being. I pray this will be the turning point and that your Heart can be at rest... and his, too.

Peace...

she said...

singtome: i have no words.. only love.. love and prayers.. all around. i pray dear God,

if there is a goodbye to be said, let it be to the dragon.. and let this empower the slayer

love, peace, healing
love, peace, healing
love, peace, healing.. ~s.

Scott from Oregon said...

That all just sucks.

All of it.

There is only battles ahead, it seems. A long long fight...

singleton said...

Blue...Praying is a power I've always believed in. I've prayed for this child since long before he was born. I prayed for him to be brought safe into the world, my arms, and in spite of a zillion odds, he was delivered there...And now, I pray, for strength, the same fighting, spitting, damned and determined strength it took to bring him here, ten fingers and ten toes....blue eyes shining.....I pray that he uses that same determination to fight for his right to life as he did then, all those years ago, when he was just a dream.... And I thank you, for joining me, as a Mother, in that prayer.....

KJ...Funny, you didn't even have to say it, I knew it......know it....Thank you.....

Bella....Bless you. Any friend of Maithri's is an angel to me....and I thank you. I'll come knockin' soon.....Sometimes, when we least expect it, some of our dearest friends are strangers.....

Electric....Amen. There is a reason for everything......And I so very hope that this is an ending, that in spite of the horror, can become an embraced beginning.....

Babs....I know, I feel you there, girl....just do....Thank you....

Shimmerings....Peace. We've been blanketed by it in the last few days. Quiet. Soulful. And I pray, that Peace as I know it, cherish it, becomes a rainbow to him. And hope becomes the sun....

She...no words big enough. I know you know......Thank you for the gift you give so freely, courage.....May he be basked in it....

Scott....It is a fight. And yet, I hold fast to the belief that sometimes from the greatest Chaos, sometimes the window to freedom, to Peace is opened. And I'm ready to battle.....And yes, it sucks. The days and nights are long.....An endless carwreck in slow motion....But still, the second chance....priceless......

Peace~love my friends
Share it,
say it,
live it......

And I thank you......

Earthmamagoddess said...

Just found this tonite....delurking to add my energy and love to the circle. This beast has touched my life too and I am afraid, the tears are for you, mama.....

The love is for you both

eric1313 said...

Singleton

I'm praying for you here. I can't believe I didn't read this one before.

I was going to ask you how Haley was doing, as well as Jonah. Now I know to pray, too.

I missed you and I'm sorry to have worried you, I should have emailed you, should have hiked to the library up there or something and let you know.

I didn't know this was going on.

And you know that I love you my friend--and that extends to all of yours; friends, family, all of them. I know you as well as I know anyone. Better, because we've worked closer together than I have with anyone, with dear exception.

I just want you to know that I'll always be at the other end oth this line that we share. The electronic one, and the one that connects us on that gorgeous metaphysical level, our creative bond. I thought about you every day and kicked myself for not having anything worthwhile enough to go trudging through the snowbound wastes to say. I felt drained with everything going on around me. I knew I'd get over it, but I should have let you know I was OK.

Like I said above, I'm hoping and wishing the best for you and your son, as well as your daughter and the future little one.

And I'm here, so give me a line.

I'll be at the butterfly, OK?

Peace and love, sweet Sing.

eric1313 said...

Clink!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Porch party??????


by the way...

Happy birthday sweet friend!!!!!!!!

singleton said...

Earthmama....I read your words and hugged you, JSYK.....and tears and hugs seem to come in package deals, so i take them both, my friend, and thank you....

Eric....I know you know I know you know.....
there's a quiet now,
and it's fooled me once or twice,
and lulls me to half way sleep....
there's a quiet now
and I know that just means
"rest"......

Peace~love
It's precious in it's passing....

Orhan Kahn said...

Woah, just woah. I'm lost for words.

singleton said...

Orhan...yeah, mostly I am, too, anymore.... And you know the story, friend.....