Monday, January 22, 2007

Face Telling

We’re piled at the kitchen table, arms everywhere in a convoluted game of tabletop twister…reaching for the salsa, the Doritos, the ashtray, spinach dip, cheese please, my lighter, her chocolate martini, my beer….having one of those late night girl talks when Tami starts prattling on about her latest “good read”. …. A reference book about face reading, the art of profiling personalities based on facial characteristics. I’m a good four beers into this after-midnight conversation , thinking “are you kidding me?” You can’t profile someone on their Cyrano nose or endless eyebrows! Their double chin or goose neck! We’re born with these pups for crying out loud! And then, she said, “the real crazies are the ones that have white all the way around their eyes, you know … you can see the white on the top and the bottom….”

I bug-eyed her. Anyone can do that! She bug-eyed me back. Nope! White on the top. White on the bottom. But not on both. OMG! I’m sure my last boyfriend had a ring of white around his mud puddle eyes! Yes, I’m positive. I start rifling through the kitchen drawers, plowing through utility bills, old batteries, and garden seeds from 1998 hunting for the crumpled pictures…. “Where are they?” I check between the fridge and the pots and pans cabinet…..everything ends up lost in this little slot of nowhere land at some time or another…. I have to use the broom stick to fish it all out….. Two more utility bills, my driver’s license renewal form, 2004 W-2 , three bottle caps and a whole lotta cat hair…. No pictures of old whitey eyes! But I’m sure…..

If I could just find those pictures…

“I know. You’re father does that.” I blurt matter of factly to my eldest child. “ He has white all the way around his eyes!”
“No, No” she assures me.
“Then, your profiler is wrong” I mutter, stubbing out my cigarette and stuffing another blob of spinach dip down my throat.

10 comments:

skinnylittleblonde said...

The 'run-away bride' had those eyes. Her brother said they weren't always that way, that it was a plastic surgery gone wrong. LOL, then he said something about how she had always been crazy.

TIM said...

That is funny.
That is really funny.

vicci said...

Girl!!! Can you see my face???!!!! I have a gigantic smile on it right now! I tried e-mailing you...but it came back! E-mail me! So...I can give you the proper THANK-YOU for all my GOODIES!!!!
I LOVE everything!!!! and you!

singleton said...

SLB... yeah, she did! And I think Curty had a roomate with midnight whitey eyes!
Tim....And it's true!
Vicci....ILY girl! Oh yeah, Southern Bell did that, they repossessed my email and they're holding it hostage for the phone bill! SLB will bop you the new one! Enjoy! And by the way, the fringe I used to pad the box was pilfered off of Skinny's hand me down 1976 pass the trash hippie coat!

CSL said...

I had a therapy supervisor who called that the "schizophrenic eye sign." The problem was, he did that with his eyes.

Fuzzylogic said...

Lol,fun story,I'm right now on a baby sitter hunt,so maybe I should use this info and bug eye her before hiring:)

singleton said...

csl....eeeeeeew! How creepy is that?
Fuzzy....Yeah! And see if she bug eyes you back! I find my self doing the bug eye everywhere now....at the store, the gas pumps, the office.....just lookin' for those tidy whities!

Orhan Kahn said...

I'd love to have my face read.

singleton said...

Orhan...
Skinny and I are gonna work on that~ hee hee

skinnylittleblonde said...

LOL, to me Orhan has a face of all seasons...one who can handle a great variety of precipitations!